Plot summary (from the studio): Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is a man with nothing to lose. Fearless and void of emotion, he is the leader, the sage and the strategist of this tight-knit band of men who live on the fringe. His only attachment is to his pickup truck, his seaplane and his team of loyal modern-day warriors. His is a true cynic who describes what he does as “removing those hard to get at stains.” The team behind him is made up of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), former SAS and a savant with anything that has a blade; Yin Yang (Jet Li), a master at close-quarter combat; Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), who has known Barney for ten years and is a long-barrel weapons specialist; Toll Road (Randy Couture), a skilled demolitions expert and considered the intellect of the group; and Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), a combat veteran and an expert in precision sniping who struggles with his own demons.

When the mysterious Church offers Barney a job no one else would take, Barney and his team embark on what appears to be a routine mission: overthrow General Garza (David Zayas), the murderous dictator of the small island country of Vilena and end the years of death and destruction inflicted on its people. On a reconnaissance mission to Vilena, Barney and Christmas meet their contact Sandra (Giselle Itie), a local freedom-fighter with a dark secret. They also come to learn who their true enemy is: rogue ex-CIA operative James Monroe (Eric Roberts) and his henchman Paine (Steve Austin). When things go terribly wrong, Barney and Christmas are forced to leave Sandra behind, essentially giving her a death sentence. Haunted by this failure, Barney convinces the team to return to Vilena to rescue the hostage and finish the job he started. And to perhaps save a soul: his own.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I have to admit that when Caesar showed up with that massive gun and started blasting people halfway across the ocean, I had to smile. That was probably the best part about the entire movie for me. It wasn’t exactly a surprise because Caesar and Barney talked about what the gun could do, but seeing it in action was a whole different ballgame!

Disliked:

• The dialogue was incredibly cheesy from beginning to end. Obviously action films aren’t known for scintillating dialogue, but there seemed to be even less effort than usual here. It was so bad that I lost count of how many cringeworthy lines there were.
• Speaking of cringeworthy, the much talked about scene between Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis was a huge letdown. It was stilted, uncomfortable, and totally unnecessary. What a miscalculation that was!
• WTF was up with the Dolph Lundgren character? He was out of control on the first mission (the pirate stuff), turned traitor and tried to kill Barney and Yin Yang, but then they’re all friends again at the end? With ZERO explanation at all?! Again, logic isn’t exactly expected out of films like this–but it would be greatly appreciated.
• If some dude you’re fighting rolls into a gasoline fire and emerges completely covered in flames, I don’t think you have to bother punching him out (the Toll Road vs. Paine fight).
• I’m sorry, I know Mickey Rourke’s confession about not stopping a suicide was supposed to be gut-wrenching, but it made me laugh. The tears were icing on the cake as far as the unintentional comedy went. Good lord, grizzled killers in action flicks shouldn’t be spewing “afterschool special” life advice like that.
• I thought the film was going to focus on the team, so I was disappointed that Stallone and Statham scored most of the screen time. There’s something about Statham that just bugs me (one of those irrational things that can’t be explained away).
• Some of the action scenes and CGI (like the general’s compound blowing up) were so bad that I felt like I was watching something from the ’80s. I know Stallone wanted to go “old school action” in this film, but I don’t think that was quite what he had in mind.

Rating:

I like a fun, mindless action flick as much as the next person, but there really wasn’t anything about The Expendables that made it worth watching. I know it made almost a quarter of a billion dollars from worldwide box office revenue so I’m probably in the minority here, but I thought it pretty much sucked. One or two good scenes and a smile here or there couldn’t save it. I give the film 2 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (with spoilers): In the year 2009, geologist Adrian Helmsley (played by Chiwetel Ejiofor) learns from colleagues that a catastrophic solar event has unleashed neutrinos that will cause the Earth’s core to heat up within a few years. If this happens, the planet will become completely unstable, and will be subject to a whole host of natural disasters. Helmsley immediately informs White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt), who in turn briefs President Wilson (Danny Glover).

Other heads of state are informed, but it is decided that they will not reveal any information about the impending disaster to the general public for fear of the widespread panic and disruption of life such an announcement would cause. Instead, the major countries pool their resources together, and with the help of private investors, begin building a fleet of massive arks. Just like Noah, the plan is to preserve as many species as possible. Human passengers will be those rich enough to contribute a billion euro per ticket to help fund the project. Approximately 400,000 people will have tickets.

The film then skips forward 2012. The reactions in the Earth’s core are more severe than Helmsley expected, and disaster is imminent. Small earthquakes and tsunamis begin hitting various parts of the world, which makes regular people, including Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), ex-wife Kate (Amanda Peet), and their kids, somewhat suspicious. Jackson, a sci-fi writer, hears a doomsday tale from conspiracy theorist Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) and believes something might be happening. He decides to get his family out of California.

The rest of the action then shows the Earth being destroyed by massive quakes and tsunamis, as people frantically rush around trying to escape with their lives. The race is on to make it to China where the arks are being kept before all of civilization vanishes for good.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I liked that Gordon was depicted as a nice guy. Usually the new boyfriend in these situations is either a total a-hole or too perfect to be true. Gordon seemed like just a regular guy who had a decent balance of strengths and weaknesses.
• One of the minor details that was perfect was how the family in Japan had a fax machine phone. I’ve previously spent time in Japan and know that those types of phones are very common over there.
• John Cusack was likable, as usual. He wasn’t enough to make this a watchable movie, but he was good.

Disliked:

• Nearly everything in this film seemed rehashed from other disaster flicks, except for the method of survival (the arks). Most of the “action” consisted of people evading deep fissures in the ground (caused by earthquakes) or facing stoically forward as a huge tidal wave washes over them. I’m sure you can picture those scenes because they’ve happened hundreds of times before. So boring.
• Another staple of disaster films, apparently, is watching landmarks from around the world being destroyed. The White House, Eiffel Tower, the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil, etc. etc. All standard stuff.
• I’m sorry, but I thought the special effects were incredibly cheesy — especially when Jackson and family were trying to get out of California. There were so many near-misses that the scene began to look like a video game rather than a movie, which took me right out of the story.
• The movie just went on for waaay too long. I don’t understand how it could take more than 2 1/2 hours to tell this all-too-familiar tale.
• How convenient to have Gordon die, thus paving the way for Curtis, Kate, and the kids to become a family again. What a cop-out.
• So was that it? They weathered the storm, so to speak, and now they’re out of danger? The core isn’t heating up anymore? The new position of the landmasses will remain the same until the next disaster? It would have been nice, after sitting through 150 minutes of the story, to get some kind of explanation at the end beyond “The skies are clearing up!”

Rating:

I don’t even really know what to say about 2012. As I was watching, I kept thinking, “Wait, there’s got to be something more than this! There’s probably a twist coming up” — but there was nothing of the sort. This was a straightforward, paint-by-numbers disaster film that brings nothing new or original to the table. I give it 2 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): THE A-TEAM follows the exciting and daring exploits of Hannibal Smith and his colorful team of former Special Forces soldiers who were set up for a crime they did not commit. Going “rogue,” they utilize their unique talents – and eccentricities – to try and clear their names and find the true culprit. Liam Neeson (“Taken”), Bradley Cooper (“The Hangover”), mixed martial arts champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, and “District 9” sensation Sharlto Copley, are “The A—Team.”

Liked:

• Usually I don’t like Patrick Wilson, but I thought he was OK here. His character was at least somewhat interesting, which is more than I can say for any of the A-Team members or Sosa.

Disliked:

• It took a damn long time for the main plot to get off the ground. I think it wasn’t until around 25 minutes into the movie that the team learned about the counterfeit plates. I believe in the old rule that the hook should come at the 15-minute mark — or the 20-minute mark at the latest. By 25 minutes, I was already getting restless.
• I didn’t really like any of the team members. I only vaguely remember the original TV show, so I wasn’t necessarily making direct comparisons, but each character — or the actor’s portrayal — seemed a bit off. Neeson’s Hannibal didn’t seem as confident and in control to me, though it’s good that he at least chomped on a sancho panza the whole time. Cooper’s Face wasn’t nearly charming and suave enough to be the ladies’ man he was supposed to be. B.A. barely had any kind of bad attitude. And the guy who played Murdock in this was just annoying, not funny or crazy.
• Man, the stunts were just terrible! I always go into action films willing to suspend a certain amount of disbelief, but there were just so many “no way!” moments in this movie that I rolled my eyes more than anything else. “Flying” a tank? Landing in a lake in said tank without being strapped in and emerging completely unscathed? Driving a Hummer through the wall at exactly the same time as in the film the inmates were watching? Whatever!
• Face should not have said the “I love it when a plan comes together” line. That was bogus!

Rating:

I was hoping to find this film at least somewhat entertaining, but it was barely even tolerable. From a slow-developing plot to boring characters and unbelievable action scenes, it took a lot to just sit through the whole thing. I’m not at all surprised to learn that this film fell $30+ million short of breaking even at the domestic box office. What a dud! I give it 2 stars out of 5.