Plot summary (from the studio): In a universe as vast as it is mysterious, an elite force of protectors for peace and justice has existed for centuries. They are the Green Lantern Corps. When a new enemy called Parallax threatens to destroy the Universe, their fate and the fate of Earth lie in the hands of the corps’ newest recruit, the first human ever selected: Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds).

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• Ryan Reynolds is rather easy on the eyes, isn’t he? Too bad his face and body were the only good things about this movie.

Disliked:

• Look, I know comic books have their own rabid fans who are thoroughly familiar with each hero’s backstory, but I feel if these studios are going to market a film to the masses, they should at least make the plot somewhat understandable. I couldn’t follow this one at all. Yeah, I got that Hal Jordan was supposed to save the universe from Parallax and all that, but… what??? I mean, even that part doesn’t make much sense. Sigh.
• The special effects might have been more impressive if I’d known what the hell was going on. As it was, all the flashing lights and loud noises were just annoying.
• I fell asleep a couple of times while watching this, and even so I didn’t feel compelled to rewind and catch up on what I had missed. What would have been the point?

Rating:

I readily admit that I am not part of the target audience for this movie. I wasn’t expecting to like it, and just agreed to watch to make my husband happy. Even so, I feel Green Lantern was just a huge waste of time. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t engaging, it wasn’t thrilling or exciting… It was just a long, drawn-out mess that took forever to end. I give it 1 star out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): Johnny Depp returns to his iconic role of Captain Jack Sparrow in an action-packed adventure that finds him crossing paths (and swords) with the enigmatic Angelica (Penélope Cruz). When she forces him aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the ship of the legendary pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected journey to the fabled Fountain of Youth. Along the way Jack must use all his wiles to deal with the barbarous Blackbeard and his crew of zombies, Angelica, the ravishing “pirate” with whom he shares a dubious past, and the beautiful, enchanting mermaids whose masterful cunning can lure even the most seasoned sailor to his doom.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I’m not a Johnny Depp fan, but I’ll admit that Captain Jack Sparrow has grown on me a bit. He was the only character I connected to in this film and the only reason to watch, IMO.
• The mermaids were an interesting addition. I was definitely freaked out by their “scary” faces.

Disliked:

• This just didn’t feel like part of the “Pirates” franchise. There were so many new characters and the absence of Will and Elizabeth was definitely noticeable. Sure, they had become a bit tiresome and it would have been hard to shoehorn them in, but at least that would have provided the continuity that was lacking.
• I don’t understand the fuss about Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa. I don’t like him or the character, and didn’t think he added anything to the film.
• Speaking of not adding anything, I disliked Penelope Cruz here. Actually, I dislike her everywhere else too, so I guess it’s not surprising that she made the movie suck for me.
• The film was long and boring. I expected it to be long, like the rest of the series, but I didn’t think I’d fall asleep twice due to lack of action. Ugh!

Rating:

I have to believe that Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides made a billion dollars worldwide solely because of the star power of Johnny Depp. There’s no way people saw this for the plot, humor, action, or any of the supporting cast, so kudos to Depp for being such a massive international star. I give this one 2 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): Blamed for the terrorist bombing of the Kremlin, IMF operative Ethan Hunt is disavowed along with the rest of the agency when the President initiates “Ghost Protocol”. Left without any resources or backup, Ethan must find a way to clear his agency’s name and prevent another attack. To complicate matters further, Ethan is forced to embark on this mission with a team of fellow IMF fugitives whose personal motives he does not fully know.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• Unlike a lot of action films, the plot for this one was understandable and easy to follow. That’s different from being plausible, mind you, but it still counts for a lot in my book.
• Most of the action sequences were fantastic! I absolutely HATE action flicks that consist of nothing but chases, bombs, fights, and shootouts happening in a chaotic fashion from beginning to end. In Ghost Protocol, the action was necessary, and actually led somewhere/meant something. Plus, with the exception perhaps of the parking garage fight, none of them seemed to last overly long.
• My favorite part, by far, was Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) scaling the outside of the Burj Khalifa skyscraper. The scene was necessary, exciting, and above all, INTENSE. Even though I knew there was no way Ethan would die, I was literally holding my breath when his special gloves failed and he had to improvise out there. Those are the kinds of scenes I love in action movies.
• Paula Patton was great as Jane. I’m sick of action movie heroines that are cast for their looks alone without any regard to how credible they would be while fighting or performing stunts. Patton looked believable when she was fighting (or maybe it was her stunt double), and I bought her as a legitimate member of the team.
• I loved the look Ethan gave Brandt (Jeremy Renner) in the hotel room after the code deal went south. He had the exact same reaction I did, which was, “No desk jockey has fighting skills like that!” I also thought it was awesome that Ethan didn’t say anything right away, but instead waited and confirmed Brandt’s field agent skills by point a gun at him and watching Brandt disarm him. That was MUCH BETTER than any straight out exposition would have been.
• The CGI screen in the Kremlin was pretty damn cool. I don’t know how possible something like that would be (as opposed to the metal suit and suction gloves, lol) but it was still cool as hell!
• I don’t remember the last MI film, but were we actually led to believe that Ethan’s wife died? Was the body shown? Did Ethan lovingly set down a floral arrangement on her headstone? I’m just trying to gauge whether or not Brandt’s story of thinking Julia was dead (and blaming himself) was even believable. At any rate, I thought it was sweet that Ethan shared a look with her at the end — but that they still kept their distance.
• I wouldn’t mind seeing this same team take on another mission — as long as Brad Bird is at the helm again. He did an “incredible” job!! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Disliked:

• Breaking into the Kremlin and then trying to intercept Russian nuclear arms codes in order to thwart a missile attack on the U.S. seemed like such an ’80s action film concept. Couldn’t they have come up with something that would feel a bit more current?
• I hate it when actors barely change their expression, despite being in a highly physical fight or whatever. But for some reason, that’s the route Lea Seydoux (Moreau) chose to go when fighting Jane. Consequently, she ended up reminding me of the robot villain in Terminator 3.
• There were a few other minor problems with the film (the Mumbai party stands out as particularly dull), but nothing that really interfered with my overall enjoyment of it.

Rating:
I was very pleasantly surprised by Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol. I was expecting a highly convoluted storyline with a few pretty action sequences thrown in, but actually got a very decent plot, good acting, and AWESOME action scenes. This is definitely one to see in the theater. I give it 4 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): A mysterious event from Earth’s past threatens to ignite a war so big that the Transformers alone will not be able to save the planet. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and the Autobots must fight against the darkness to defend our world from the Decepticons’ all-consuming evil.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I usually can’t stand Shia LaBeouf because he has “douche” written all over him. But he’s actually pretty funny as Sam Witwicky, particularly in the scenes with his parents. I hate to admit it, but he was pretty much the only good thing about this whole movie.
• Frances McDormand was a nice addition to the cast, and I had to lol a little bit when the John Turturro character just kissed her and she had him arrested. That was cute/funny.

Disliked:

• Patrick Dempsey CANNOT act! Ugh, he was horrible in this and makes me wonder how it’s possible that Grey’s Anatomy is still on the air with him in a leading role. He might have been “McDreamy” once upon a time, but he’s just gross and annoying now.
• The last, what, 30 or 40 minutes of the film was nothing but action/fighting/chase scenes? That kind of stuff is pretty tiresome to watch after a while. When the robots battled each other, I couldn’t tell which hunk of steel or which corrugated metal hose belonged to which “character”. It was just a convoluted mess. Plus, whenever action sequences continue unabated for so long like that, it merely serves to emphasize how little plot there is in the film.
• Speaking of “plot,” did the one in Dark of the Moon make sense to anyone? No? Okay, glad it wasn’t just me!

Rating:

Obviously I didn’t go into Transformers: Dark of the Moon expecting a cinematic masterpiece that would be dissected and discussed by film students for decades to come, but I was hoping for a bit more than the hot mess the movie turned out to be. I give it 2 stars out of 5, and am glad I only paid $1.75 for it at the bargain theater!

Warning: Spoilers ahead! I don’t have time to write this up in my standard review format, so I’m just going to quickly share some thoughts here. I saw the original TRON movie when I was a child, but didn’t understand it then and didn’t remember a single thing about it. The only thing I really remember from the original TRON were the light cycles, because they were featured so heavily in the arcade version of the game. Other than that, I was coming into this movie fresh.

So I can’t really tell you how much this plot depends on or plays off the original. What I can tell you is that I didn’t understand it very well. So the Jeff Bridges character created a virtual world and got stuck in there? And then his son goes looking for him and gets similarly trapped, so now they have to race against time to escape through the portal or be stuck forever? Is that the gist. Well, meh, whatever. The plot was terrible and confusing, but I guess for this kind of movie the particulars don’t really matter much. This is all supposed to be about the special effects, right?

Well, at least the effects were somewhat decent. They didn’t completely saturate the film, like in Avatar, but they did add to the overall atmosphere. I thought the suits everyone wore in the TRON world were particularly cool, and usually I don’t even notice things like that. The only effect I didn’t like was the young version of Jeff Bridges. His face moved in a weird way when he talked and he sounded like a robot. It was highly distracting.

Of course Sam survives and gets the girl in the end, and of course she makes it to the real world to see the sun. Those things were expected. What wasn’t expected was Flynn’s fate. I guess that’s something in favor of the movie.

Anyway, overall, I give this one 3 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (with possible spoilers): Set in 1199, this film gives background information on how Robin Longstride (played by Russell Crowe) begins as an ordinary soldier in Richard the Lionheart’s army, and ends up being declared an outlaw by Richard’s successor John (Oscar Isaac). Upon this declaration, Robin and his band of Merry Men, which includes Will Scarlett (Scott Grimes), Little John (Kevin Durand), and Allan A’Dayle (Alan Doyle) retreat to Sherwood Forest near Nottingham to begin their new purpose of stealing from the rich (usually meaning the king and his tax collectors) and giving to the poor. Robin is joined in his efforts by Maid Marion Loxley (Cate Blanchett), Friar Tuck (Mark Addy), and a host of wild orphans.

Liked:

• It was good to see Marion Loxley as a strong, independent woman instead of a damsel in distress. I am not overly familiar with the Robin Hood tales, but I’ve always had the (perhaps mistaken) impression that Marion was the latter. I’m not sure which version of Marion is correct, but I prefer resolute women who can hold their own, so despite the fact that the role was played by the ultra-wooden Cate Blanchett, whom I don’t particularly care for, some aspects of the character were decent.

Disliked:

• It seemed that there was a battle or some kind of fighting every five minutes or so. I enjoy a good action film as much as the next person, but my god… my head started to hurt from all clamor and sword-clashing in this film. How about using a different means to advance the plot instead of just having the characters go at it in every other scene?
• Why did that French invasion scene remind me soooo much of Saving Private Ryan? I’m no boat or warfare expert, but it seems that things would have been just a liiiiittle bit different way back then.
• Are we really supposed to believe that the good people of Nottingham accepted Robin Longstride as Robert Loxley??? They lived in the same town and KNEW Loxley!!! Yes, he was gone for 10 years, but how is it possible that NO ONE realized this was an entirely different person????????
• How did Marion know that Godfrey was the one who killed Walter? She didn’t witness the deed and therefore shouldn’t have had any idea who that guy was. Yet she immediately keyed in on him during the final battle as though she knew there was some debt to settle.
• Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention, but was there even a plot here? It seemed like the film meandered from one pointless battle scene to the next with no thread tying everything together.
• The characters were never developed at all, which prevented me from caring one whit about them. Without being invested in the characters, the outcome barely mattered.
• Was that really how the idea for the Magna Carta developed, or were the filmmakers taking a massive liberty with history?
• The acting was terrible for the most part. Does Russell Crowe do anything except look stoic or menacing by turns? Was the dude playing King John told to overplay his part in a comical manner? Was Cate Blanchett supposed to be that wooden? Ugh.

Rating:
Robin Hood is not a movie I would have selected to watch on my own, as I am not a fan of Russell Crowe to begin with. But I was watching with friends, and felt compelled out of politeness to sit through the entire thing instead of stopping after 20 minutes as I would have done if given the choice. This film had no plot and was filled with bad acting, and then tried to compensate for those shortcomings by throwing action scenes at the audience whenever possible. I cannot imagine any circumstance in the world in which I would watch this thing again from beginning to end. I give it 1 star out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): When Dave Lizewski, ordinary New York teenager and rabid comic-book geek, dons a green-and-yellow internet-bought wetsuit to become the no-nonsense vigilante Kick-Ass, he soon finds an answer to his own question: because it hurts. But, overcoming all the odds, the eager yet inexperienced Dave quickly becomes a phenomenon, capturing the imagination of the public. However, he’s not the only superhero out there—the fearless and highly-trained father-daughter crime-fighting duo, Big Daddy and Hit Girl, have been slowly but surely taking down the criminal empire of local Mafioso, Frank DAmico. And, as Kick-Ass gets drawn into their no-holds-barred world of bullets and bloodletting with Frank’s son, Chris, now reborn as Kick-Ass’s arch-nemesis, Red Mist, the stage is set for a final showdown between the forces of good and evil in which the DIY hero will have to live up to his name. Or die trying…

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• Dave was a likable guy, which was very important for this kind of movie. I thought he pretty much sucked as Kick-Ass because he was just not superhero material. This is the kind of guy who would be more at home selling you a usb barcode scanner or something, not taking on organized crime. But he was a genuinely nice person and his heart was in the right place, so I was rooting for him from the beginning.
• Hit Girl was pretty cool. Seeing her getting shot by Nicolas Cage at the beginning was kind of a shocking moment, but once their relationship unfolded, things began to make more sense. Honestly, she was one of the most original characters I’ve ever seen in a mainstream film. A 10-year-old weapon-wielding ass-kicker?? Wow!
• The movie was actually pretty funny in some places. I know I laughed several times along the way, which I wasn’t really expecting. Humor is definitely a bonus in my book.

Disliked:

• I usually don’t like it when main characters miraculously escape from dire situations relatively unscathed, but I didn’t like the fact that Nicolas Cage’s character was killed right in front of his daughter. I know that sort of thing provides the basic canon for many a superhero, but still… it just didn’t feel right in this movie.
• It seemed as though Kick-Ass suffered from an identity crisis. Did it want to be an action movie? Did it want to be a comedy? At times, the film felt so lighthearted that the subsequent violence was doubly shocking. Obviously, the fight scene between Hit Girl and Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong) has caused controversy — and for good reason, IMO. On the screen, it was portrayed as a serious fight, nothing funny, exaggerated, or lighthearted about it. And that took me right out of the film because I was cringing at how this grown man was pummeling a little girl.
• The love interest. Why must there always be a dumb love interest???
• The jet pack was incredibly cheesy to me. I know this movie was based off a comic book (oh, sorry — graphic novel), so I’m assuming the jet pack was in the original. It probably played a lot better on the page than on the screen, though.

Rating:

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much out of Kick-Ass. I’m not a big fan of these films based on comic books, so this wasn’t initially very appealing. But my husband convinced me to watch it with him, and I’m glad I did. I didn’t love it, and there were lots of things that made me roll my eyes. Yet it was still fairly entertaining and worth the price of the rental, which is why I give it 3 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (from the studio): Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is a man with nothing to lose. Fearless and void of emotion, he is the leader, the sage and the strategist of this tight-knit band of men who live on the fringe. His only attachment is to his pickup truck, his seaplane and his team of loyal modern-day warriors. His is a true cynic who describes what he does as “removing those hard to get at stains.” The team behind him is made up of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), former SAS and a savant with anything that has a blade; Yin Yang (Jet Li), a master at close-quarter combat; Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), who has known Barney for ten years and is a long-barrel weapons specialist; Toll Road (Randy Couture), a skilled demolitions expert and considered the intellect of the group; and Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), a combat veteran and an expert in precision sniping who struggles with his own demons.

When the mysterious Church offers Barney a job no one else would take, Barney and his team embark on what appears to be a routine mission: overthrow General Garza (David Zayas), the murderous dictator of the small island country of Vilena and end the years of death and destruction inflicted on its people. On a reconnaissance mission to Vilena, Barney and Christmas meet their contact Sandra (Giselle Itie), a local freedom-fighter with a dark secret. They also come to learn who their true enemy is: rogue ex-CIA operative James Monroe (Eric Roberts) and his henchman Paine (Steve Austin). When things go terribly wrong, Barney and Christmas are forced to leave Sandra behind, essentially giving her a death sentence. Haunted by this failure, Barney convinces the team to return to Vilena to rescue the hostage and finish the job he started. And to perhaps save a soul: his own.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I have to admit that when Caesar showed up with that massive gun and started blasting people halfway across the ocean, I had to smile. That was probably the best part about the entire movie for me. It wasn’t exactly a surprise because Caesar and Barney talked about what the gun could do, but seeing it in action was a whole different ballgame!

Disliked:

• The dialogue was incredibly cheesy from beginning to end. Obviously action films aren’t known for scintillating dialogue, but there seemed to be even less effort than usual here. It was so bad that I lost count of how many cringeworthy lines there were.
• Speaking of cringeworthy, the much talked about scene between Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis was a huge letdown. It was stilted, uncomfortable, and totally unnecessary. What a miscalculation that was!
• WTF was up with the Dolph Lundgren character? He was out of control on the first mission (the pirate stuff), turned traitor and tried to kill Barney and Yin Yang, but then they’re all friends again at the end? With ZERO explanation at all?! Again, logic isn’t exactly expected out of films like this–but it would be greatly appreciated.
• If some dude you’re fighting rolls into a gasoline fire and emerges completely covered in flames, I don’t think you have to bother punching him out (the Toll Road vs. Paine fight).
• I’m sorry, I know Mickey Rourke’s confession about not stopping a suicide was supposed to be gut-wrenching, but it made me laugh. The tears were icing on the cake as far as the unintentional comedy went. Good lord, grizzled killers in action flicks shouldn’t be spewing “afterschool special” life advice like that.
• I thought the film was going to focus on the team, so I was disappointed that Stallone and Statham scored most of the screen time. There’s something about Statham that just bugs me (one of those irrational things that can’t be explained away).
• Some of the action scenes and CGI (like the general’s compound blowing up) were so bad that I felt like I was watching something from the ’80s. I know Stallone wanted to go “old school action” in this film, but I don’t think that was quite what he had in mind.

Rating:

I like a fun, mindless action flick as much as the next person, but there really wasn’t anything about The Expendables that made it worth watching. I know it made almost a quarter of a billion dollars from worldwide box office revenue so I’m probably in the minority here, but I thought it pretty much sucked. One or two good scenes and a smile here or there couldn’t save it. I give the film 2 stars out of 5.

Plot summary (with spoilers): In the year 2009, geologist Adrian Helmsley (played by Chiwetel Ejiofor) learns from colleagues that a catastrophic solar event has unleashed neutrinos that will cause the Earth’s core to heat up within a few years. If this happens, the planet will become completely unstable, and will be subject to a whole host of natural disasters. Helmsley immediately informs White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt), who in turn briefs President Wilson (Danny Glover).

Other heads of state are informed, but it is decided that they will not reveal any information about the impending disaster to the general public for fear of the widespread panic and disruption of life such an announcement would cause. Instead, the major countries pool their resources together, and with the help of private investors, begin building a fleet of massive arks. Just like Noah, the plan is to preserve as many species as possible. Human passengers will be those rich enough to contribute a billion euro per ticket to help fund the project. Approximately 400,000 people will have tickets.

The film then skips forward 2012. The reactions in the Earth’s core are more severe than Helmsley expected, and disaster is imminent. Small earthquakes and tsunamis begin hitting various parts of the world, which makes regular people, including Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), ex-wife Kate (Amanda Peet), and their kids, somewhat suspicious. Jackson, a sci-fi writer, hears a doomsday tale from conspiracy theorist Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) and believes something might be happening. He decides to get his family out of California.

The rest of the action then shows the Earth being destroyed by massive quakes and tsunamis, as people frantically rush around trying to escape with their lives. The race is on to make it to China where the arks are being kept before all of civilization vanishes for good.

Warning: Spoilers below!

Liked:

• I liked that Gordon was depicted as a nice guy. Usually the new boyfriend in these situations is either a total a-hole or too perfect to be true. Gordon seemed like just a regular guy who had a decent balance of strengths and weaknesses.
• One of the minor details that was perfect was how the family in Japan had a fax machine phone. I’ve previously spent time in Japan and know that those types of phones are very common over there.
• John Cusack was likable, as usual. He wasn’t enough to make this a watchable movie, but he was good.

Disliked:

• Nearly everything in this film seemed rehashed from other disaster flicks, except for the method of survival (the arks). Most of the “action” consisted of people evading deep fissures in the ground (caused by earthquakes) or facing stoically forward as a huge tidal wave washes over them. I’m sure you can picture those scenes because they’ve happened hundreds of times before. So boring.
• Another staple of disaster films, apparently, is watching landmarks from around the world being destroyed. The White House, Eiffel Tower, the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil, etc. etc. All standard stuff.
• I’m sorry, but I thought the special effects were incredibly cheesy — especially when Jackson and family were trying to get out of California. There were so many near-misses that the scene began to look like a video game rather than a movie, which took me right out of the story.
• The movie just went on for waaay too long. I don’t understand how it could take more than 2 1/2 hours to tell this all-too-familiar tale.
• How convenient to have Gordon die, thus paving the way for Curtis, Kate, and the kids to become a family again. What a cop-out.
• So was that it? They weathered the storm, so to speak, and now they’re out of danger? The core isn’t heating up anymore? The new position of the landmasses will remain the same until the next disaster? It would have been nice, after sitting through 150 minutes of the story, to get some kind of explanation at the end beyond “The skies are clearing up!”

Rating:

I don’t even really know what to say about 2012. As I was watching, I kept thinking, “Wait, there’s got to be something more than this! There’s probably a twist coming up” — but there was nothing of the sort. This was a straightforward, paint-by-numbers disaster film that brings nothing new or original to the table. I give it 2 stars out of 5.